Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

•July 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Write, for example, ‘The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

– P. Neruda

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our souls are all we really own

•July 5, 2009 • Leave a Comment

While i’ve always been a strong advocator of not having any regrets, i have to admit, i’ve been beating myself up over an action of mine from two days ago. On friday, i was rushing to get some notes photocopied before my creative writing class with the kids (after a 5 week hiatus). As i was walking, i noticed a cat lying in what seemed to me like an awkward position. I don’t think it was breathing because it was just there motionless and because it was in the evening, it wasn’t all that bright out either and i might have seen a tiny pool of blood. I froze for a second because i genuinely felt week in the knees and i didn’t know what to do. If it’s a bird, usually i just call my dad and he’d do something about it. And i suppose i felt too afraid to go too close to it. This probably sounds really child-like but i’ve never seen anything with four legs dead (does a rat count?) before so it was completely new to me. I suppose then i just convinced myself that i was going to be late for class which the truth is, i was so walked off as quickly as i could away from the scene. Needless to say, it’s all i thought about during class. So anyway, after class i walked back to check if it was still there and it was no longer around so i’m assuming someone had disposed it or it was all just a figment of my imagination.

In retrospect, i wonder if i would have done anything differently. I’m not entirely sure but it would be nice to at some point stop thinking of dead cats in my sleep… and the mafia. I’ve been dreaming of wining and dining with the mafia and then worrying that they’re out to kill me. This might have something to do with me watching Gomorrah. I wonder what Freud would have to say about this.

In other news, it’s nice to be teaching again after what felt like a really long break. The kids were out to test my patience on friday but i survived. I didn’t get them anything from the US so instead i gave away all my quarter dollar coins and they were very pleased and amused that they have 25 cents in the form of a coin. Ah, it’s so easy to entertain kids.

I need to make it through July and then sort out a few things on my to-do list which may or may not include tapping ryan gosling.

Toodles poodles!

You’ve gotta tell the world about a girl you once knew

•July 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Whenever i’m feeling really low, i think of Matilde Urrutia. I don’t know how she did what she did, living her life the way she did with Pablo when he was alive and after his death. That’s the kind of woman i’d wanna marry if i were a man. The kind of woman who would start a fight for a cause, for love and the type of woman who makes every room she walks into, hers. The kind of woman every other woman has respect for. The kind of woman i aspire to be in spite of all her flaws, however many or few.

It’s not going to stop til’ you wise up

•July 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

It’s been quite a while since my last post and well, lots have happened in the last month or so. I spent a fair bit of my time looking forward to my trip and as one would imagine, it’s been a real damper to have returned. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to be home but it’s an awful feeling knowing that you’ve left something important behind 9000 miles away.

I made a promise to myself that I would visit a temple right after I’m done with this semester, sort of as a thank you for helping me making it through the last 12 months or so. Although I shouldn’t jump the gun yet seeing as how I haven’t quite completed this final semester. But either way, I shall go visit Shiva with an offering to let him know in person that everything is going okay thanks to him and his posse. My mother will be proud to hear this.

I’ve come to realize that I rarely seek people for advice but even when I don’t look for it, advice and wisdom comes looking for me in various shapes and forms. Yesterday, my words of wisdom for the day came in the form of a little (not so little) Jewish man who shared with me some study that was done by military men who were told to run for miles in the scorching desert. One leader told his men to just start running and an another leader pointed out an antennae-looking structure yonder and told his men to run and not stop till they arrive at the structure. The first group apparently stopped halfway because their leader hadn’t told them what their destination was so they were not motivated to complete the run. The latter group however completed the run and arrived at the designated destination. His point to me was that I’m not going to be able to move very much further if I don’t have an idea of what my destination is. This is a real slap in the face for people who believe in living life on a go with the flow basis. I don’t really go with the flow. I’m a bit too much of a control freak to do that but his words stuck with me regardless.

The truth is I don’t have it all figured out and a lot of them stems from fear. You plan your life in detail and then something fucks up and it causes some sort of chain reaction which affects everything else. But of course, at the same time, not planning it at all goes against my personal beliefs. TW was telling me yesterday that I’m so optimistic that it makes her sick. I thought that was hilarious. She says it’s because I’m young and that with age, it might slip through my fingers. I beg to differ though because I’ve always been pretty damn optimistic and it sort of defines who I am rather than something phasal.

But I confessed to her that that as optimistic I am, nothing gets to me more than fear so I do this thing whereby I think about my situations in different aspects of my life and brainstorm all the possible ways it can screw up JUST SO that if by some godforsaken luck that it does happen to me, I can tell myself that this isn’t a major surprise and that I can deal with it and move on because it was preempted. Sounds pretty painful doesn’t it? But it’s not as bad as it sounds because it’s better to harden the fuck up now and deal with the world screwing you over every now and then.

It seems like the only way I can remain optimistic about the world for now.

Look at us waging war in our bedroom

•May 26, 2009 • Leave a Comment

You know what i really love? The smell of a kitchen right after it’s been used for a baking session. It’s a complete sensory experience, especially if you’ve made a sweet treat. I remember every year when my mother bakes tarts during the deepavalli period, i love hanging around the kitchen cos it will smell like creamed butter and sugar with vanilla essence for a good week or so. Someone should capture the essence and put in a perfume bottle and sell it i say. It could make people very very happy!

I did my laundry last night in batches. I did the whites first followed by the colours. I don’t understand how i have so many things to wear and yet so few. Either way, i’m happy to have finally done my laundry. I don’t like hanging it out to dry though so i get my father to help me with that.

I think i drank something like half a litre of root beer last night because of the heat. It needs to STOP being so hot already. Are you listening to me Mother Nature?! You’re killing the people who use fans instead of air-conditioners and we’re not the enemies!

Normally, i would be eating breakfast at this time but the curry puff that i bought earlier has sardines in it. I only realised it after i took a bite and tasted fish. I’m gonna scold the guy who sold it to me because i specifically told him i wanted the puff stuffed with potatoes. So i’m sitting here, grumpy and without food in my tummeh.

Is it lunch yet? *groans*

This space that i can call mine

•May 14, 2009 • Leave a Comment

T.W was absolutely right when she said to me that The Time Traveler’s Wife is not a book that you can sit and read for extended periods of time. For starters, it’s mind boggingly depressing in a metaphysical sense – the sheer idea of it all and the way Niffenegger has crafted her words very carefully to subtly expose the characters’ desperation and hope. Every single time i’m done with a chapter, i feel this dull throb in my heart. It’s unexplainable but it’s there. Also, it’s just one of those books where you want to take your time to read and absorb everything in detail. Kind of like what i did with the Jean-Dominique Bauby memoir. It just seems so disrespectful to rush through a book which was meant to be sipped slowly, like camomile tea on a rainy night. I’m really enjoying it so far but as i read more and more of Henry, i wonder if Eric Bana was the right chap to be casted for the part. Rachel McAdams for Clare couldn’t have been a better pick and i’m excited to see how she would portray the character. We’ll find out soon enough, not really sure when it will be out in Singapore but it’s scheduled to be released in the YOU ESS OF AYE in August.

My final semester in school started this week. I’m doing two modules but as i’ve realised, it’s not going to be a walk in the park – the modules are highly demanding and because, i’m traveling for two and a half weeks in June, i have to plan my work plan out to make sure i submit my assignments before i leave. So i foresee not having much of a social life for the next three weeks. Oh woe is me!

Also, 20 more days to Seattle. I was thinking recently that i’m rather mad at myself for not working out my finances properly. I thought i could afford to go to Seattle as well as to run off to Morrocco in Sep/Oct like i had initially planned but alas, i’m not printing currency so i have to reschedule Maroc. However, to make up for this, I’m planning a trip to India in Sep/ Oct and am tres excited about it! Rajasthan/ Kerala/ Goa, Here I come! But before that, i need to plan out my Seattle trip. It’s too bad that Bean won’t be around while i’m there. I was initially hoping to have a double date with her and clark. Next time, perhaps. I have so many things to do before my trip. I need to buy stuff for two of his friends and his family members. I need to decide what kind of attire i should be packing for the weather and whether i should bring one of my assignments to work on while i’m there. i know i know, BAD IDEA but i MIGHT have to depending on how efficient i am in the next few weeks.

In other news, i’m secretly thrilled about the Cancer Foundation’s children’s camp being postponed (Thank you H1N1) )because initially i was unable to make the dates cos of the Seattle trip so once they’ve decided on a date in July/ Aug/ Sep, i should be able to go.

I’m glad it rained this morning. It instantly uplifted my mood (which hasn’t been great of late) as i was walking in to work with my cheery blue spring dress and matching Havaianas. It’s gonna be a good day folks. i can smell it in the air.

p.s. can’t wait for Death by Tequila this Saturday night with Nanasha! Woooo!

“Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?” – Clare Abshire

To you, To me.

•May 10, 2009 • 1 Comment

Dearest you,

I’m sorry yesterday was a trying day for you and i’m sorry things didn’t exactly turn out for the better today. But i believe tomorrow will be a better day for you and me.

I’m sorry that you feel lonely tonight. I’m sorry that you miss him constantly and that you miss him more today then yesterday. I’m sorry that you’re afraid. I’m sorry that someone pushed you off the swing. I’m sorry that you’ve gotten minute sand grains in your eyes. As you lie in bed alone tonight waiting for the sun to rise, remember that this feeling will pass. I’m so glad you’re a strong person and that you’re able to keep your feet grounded (almost) all the time. This is why i’m certain (almost) that dawn will shed light into your heart, even if momentarily.

I pray that when you finally close your eyes tonight, then you find peace with yourself even if only for the night. We’ll fight the battle one day at a time and we shall most certainly win the war.

I love you, with all of my heart. (Yes, even when you’re being a smartass)

Love,
Me.